I began seeking you when I was very young, 6 to be exact. Following curiosity on foot to different, ornate buildings with colorful windows, outlined symbols, singing antiquated cryptic languages to the heavens. Bathed in the light of stained glass, saints and angels, this house of God would most certainly contain a wise one I could call on. Someone who could answer my deep and seemingly endless questions that echoed into the abyss. Questions regarding the dance of spirit and this human existence. In this space, songs of different timelines vibrated my soul, a feeling of connection and light, a sort of answer, but not the one I was looking for. Nobody was there to ask about this ineffable experience, my questions were just “too big.” The quest for you led me into ceremony and ritual, alongside priests, echoing a past life of devout worship, one that was reminiscent of you but not to be lived out in this lifetime. In the cavernous halls of the church I found community and others seeking, but alas, they had lost all sense of what a true teacher was and were instead led by another seeker. One who was following misconstrued words, taking them for solid facts, one who had forgotten that life is poetry and symbols. I could no longer unsee the patriarchal, penetrating steeple tearing into the virginal blue sky. I couldn't unhear the sounds of payment envelopes, dollars bills and childrens coins dropping into the offering plates, it was my duty to circulate, during serve(us).
Life opened up, new expansis and exciting evolutionary experiences that were out of congruence with the rhetoric of religion began to appear. Having explored many avenues available to me under the guise of biblical study, I abandoned the “spiritual” ship. Surely my (un)holy guide would encourage my growth and learning through whatever earthly means I was organically moving towards. So I set out seeking for you again, moving towards the edge of what was known. That is where you would be waiting, pulling me away from what was safe, my evolution just beyond the horizon. I looked for you in dreams and in drugs. I dove deep into subconscious study, seeking someone who could speak to me in symbols so I could interpret the messages you were sending me while I was exploring other realms. Everyone in these spaces seemed to be even more lost than me, most people didn't even know that they were seeking, undefined goals muddled with escapism, addiction and no tools to integrate the deep experiences we were having. I thought maybe you would be there amongst the play, the space where time collapses and we are just here, being. So I played, I created all the while keeping an eye out for the one who was pure knowing, perhaps you are a child? I started to imagine what you would look like in these spaces. You would definitely have big eyes, obviously, because you see through time, a penetrating gaze that intimidates but also intrigues and although you radiate an air of wisdom the soft laugh lines in the corner of your eyes naturally magnetize children and babies. I caught glimpses of you in my friend's parents, the ones who let us watch R rated movies, smoke weed in the safety of their homes and rescued hurt animals off the street. They held the space for experience but due to societal ideas of what a good parent is both parties were unable to acknowledge the guidance desired in that space. So I was left to my own devices to figure out life's nuances and make my own mistakes.
I searched for you in used book stores, synchronicity would be where I would find you. On the shelves of the metaphysical section right? You would be there organizing the new titles. I round the corner and there you would be. A human shroud of curiosity and mystery, placing each book on the shelf with such care as if to translate that it contains the answers to all of my questions. Sliding a book titled “Illusions' into its place, your eyes lock to mine and you whisper a line of poetry that encapsulates all of eternity and we both explode into rainbow bodies for a half an hour. One time you felt really close, when an Edgar Casey book entitled “Conversations With God,” literally jumped off the shelf in front of me. Yes, I bought the book.
I continued to explore wild adventures and make as many new creations as I could handle, hoping you would be there, to encourage, to guide. I never really found my place in all of this worldly business because I was constantly learning new things and looking for you. The life of a true seeker makes one an outlier, it's hard to conform when you really don't trust anyone's advice and have to figure it out for yourself. Wandering in wonder, never satisfied with mediocrity, trusting that each step is precisely guided to finding you.
In my 20’s I started to lose hope, I felt that my ideal of you was too much to ask for. The world wasn't as magical as I had grown up believing. It felt impossible to be met in this way, so I started to sacrifice little things here and there and before I knew it I was a bit lost and was no longer consciously seeking but blindly asking to be led. Begging to be loved, to be seen, defining myself and my ideals by others standards. My ideal place on the spectrum of existence had been unrealistic, so I shrank and settled in many different ways to become average on the bell curve.
Subconsciously I was still seeking.
Maybe I could find you in a relationship. So I became a loyal servant to what you thought I should be. Trying to be you for another. Desperately holding on to the glimmer of you, I tried my best to radiate you through me. I came to understand that it was unwise to seek outside of myself, so I decided to become you. I was confused, disorrented. Giving unconditionally, cultivating selfless service, trying to hold that shine when others needed it the most. Making sure everyone was evolving, safe, seen and felt special. I defined this as “what you would want.” Nurturing others but not receiving it in return. My cup was empty. I tried everything to be seen and appreciated for my uniqueness and gifts. Cue: “Dark Night of the Soul.” (dun, dun, dunnnn!)
I came to understand how wonderful and wise you are through this dark time of aloneness. You taught me how to love myself more.
Through this time period of lostness, I held a miracle close to my heart. Something inside me was still aware I was looking for you, I needed a main-line into the aether, so took a big leap of courage and bought myself a tarot deck. It was courageous, I had been made to feel it was wrong by one thing my mom said one time when I was younger, about how it was, to paraphrase, “the devil.” I thought maybe I would find more clues to you in the archetypes and mysterious symbols contained within this deck of divination. I was not wrong in this intuition. The first card I pulled, there you were to remind me.
I asked the deck, what is this deck going to mean for me and my path? I pulled the Hierophant. This card represents the “priest” or “witch”, it contains within it the keys to the kingdom of heaven and earth and is a representative of a direct connection to source/god/creator. Turns out I was seeking me this whole time, well the highest version of me, and now here I was, reflected in a drawing on nothing more than a colorful piece of printed cardboard. I was exposed. I had no clue until much later the importance of this card. I was still in my lostness, disconnected from anything spiritual or magical. I don't think I was aware at all that my whole life I had been seeking a connection to me (god/source/creator as I believe it is all one). I was seeking the God Head. At this point in time I was called into deep and long meditation practices, where I was still confused on what I was looking for, hoping you would manifest as a “teacher.”
I searched for you in healing modalities and was guided to a pure form of magic, one which facilitates healing though the knowing of one's traumas and patterns, rooted in reality yet the energetic shifts are felt tangibly. This period is where I began to become aware of my lifetime of seeking. I started to understand this desire for an all perceiving and knowing teacher and my feelings of not being met. I felt such a pain in knowing that there are very few teachers with integrity or with the ability to hold space in this way. Through introspection, I found, I wanted you to look a certain way, to wear a certain kinda clothes, speak a certain way. Spirituality and connection to the so-called “higher self” has this sort of New Age flavor these days. Which is at its core another, less organized, group of seekers being led by seekers. I had no teacher, so I opened myself to serendipity, to chance, to magic. I was given beautiful reflections of my true form in these spaces of auspicious connection and creation with magical friends/creatures that allowed me to see that others were also on a true path of remembering themselves home. We solidify these visions of a new way of being by playing and exploring edges together, helping one another grow and heal in safe spaces. Creating our highest, future selves in art and music.
Through a lifetime of outer and inner inspection I am able to read patterns and indeed feel capable of guiding myself through the wilderness of life. Through this process of seeking I have accrued the blessings of the one I was seeking. It wouldn't hit home without a lil’ paradox now would it?
A piece of me still hopes “when the student is ready the teacher will arrive.” But, when I come to the full realization I am the teacher I was seeking I now can stop looking… and poof! I start being and playing. What a clever teacher I am.
I am her
The wise witch
Ancient wisdom embodied in a modern body
A renaissance woman
Guided by intuition
Life IS a ceremony
Open to the Mystery
Healing through curiosity
Connected to all that is
I am the one I have been seeking